HHHMMMMM

Yes I am crying...its what happens when you are sad.

WATCHFUL FROM ABOVE...FOR JEAN

When you lose a friend the end seems to be all there is left of them.

There is a sickness in the pit of your gut,

A sadness behind your eyes,

Splinters of your heart spread out in front of you.

Wandering around in a haze of amazement,

This should not have happened,

Not to one of the nicest people you know,

But it has...

There is no taking it back.

Memories are what is left.

On this dark and rain felt day,

The memories I have bring the sun into my world,

A special warmth,

A smile.

So many questions without answers though...

Starting with the most imortant,

Why?

I will miss you,

No one can replace the joy you have brought into the lives of others...

The hard work that you have proudly and relentlessly done,

No one can replace you.

You are no longer in pain,

Joined with your God up high,

Looking down...

Please stay with me,

Watch me,

Keep me with you.

Through My Eyes

I see your past,

I feel the pain,

Take it all as lessons taught,

It's the only way to keep sane.

Touched by your hope,

I long to remove your fear,

Seeing you express and cope,

Not reluctant to shed a tear.

True feelings are powerful,

Most afraid to share,

I see you boldly verbalizing,

To the ignorant and confined,

They had better beware.

With lack of release there is no hope,

Only spaces filled with the weak.

I see you strong,

Unafraid to speak.

PRESUMPTIONS

My sense of urgency is passion reaching...

To the sky, the moon, to you.

Nights spent 'dreaming' (finally) fulfill my soul,

But only for a moment.

Am I greedy to want more,

To embrace what is you?

A simple moment etched in time,

Will forever be chiseled with-in my heart.

Presumptuous....maybe.

Worth it....definitely! 

We complement each other,

The moon and stars.

Hopefully after more time,

Happily ever after will be ours. 

HAHA

Look mon!! Its 'de plane'!
Hell no! I am not insane!
Full of laughter, joy and spunk,
Tired of feeling like I am in a funk!
So here, here, to happiness and fare!
If you do not like it....I frankly don't care! 
                       HAHAHAHA

UNBROKEN

The sound of your tender voice fills my heart with passion,

A lust, a want, a drive.

The heat coursing through my veins,

(Though not surprised..)

It drives me insane.

Just to lay and hear your words,

Your feelings, your thoughts, your 'you',

Fills me with the honest knowledge...

Open, caring, a 'human true'.

To be able to walk in your shoes,

To feel what you do,

Crawl inside you and take the sadness away.

Look forward to an unbroken heart....

Someday.

Faery Tail

Senseless thoughts,

Spinning

Winding

Through my exhausted mind.

Time being wasted

Squandered

Gone

The things I have left behind.

My heart grows cold

Tired

Weak

The search for love has grown old.

I feel as though my soul I now must confine

Restraining

Hiding

Protecting it til the end of time.

Lock it down with a golden key

Safe

Secure

Only my prince can free my heart and me.

The

Demanding

 I cannot seem to wrap my head around the 'whys' and reasoning's to this so-called life I have been given.

Always have I been the obedient and caring soul,

Full of laughter and warmth.

Now I question what seems to be everything,

From my sensual and sensitive being,

To just plain old 'WHY'.

Somewhere buried deep with-in, I know this is not me,

I just want an inkling of some sort of answer,

A hint would suffice.

I give, yet I expect nothing in return...

I love, without bounds...

I obey, not knowing what will be expected....

Now I am demanding!!

I want the answers!!

Do not deny me!

I have done everything in life selflessly,

Owning up to my mistakes,

Never asking...

...Until now.

WHY?

FEAR

I feel the bitterness approaching,

nipping 

tugging

probing

The power flickers,

only for a second..

a surge

then a long moment

Darkness is forthcoming,

bleak

gray

black

Becoming weak

powerless

following

enslaved

Walking into the abyss

alone

frightened

soulless 

Pondering how this came to be..

I swore this would never happen,

Not to me.

Not again.

Yet here I am.

ENGULFED

Find me

Where are you?

Where am I?

Come find me,

Can you hear my cries?

The voice in the dark, no, its not in your head,

Follow it, it's me

Can you hear what I have said?

I need you,

I want you,

I long for more time.

A connection,

Was it real or just in my mind?

Am i curled up in my delusions,

Only time will tell...

Have I jumped to conclusions,

Help me out of this hell.

I am calling to you,

Come save me...

Coming of Age

"Watching you and your sweet boyish ways,

takes me back to my happy childhood days."
These were the first words to one of my favorite and best poems written -
- For you.
Those days have long since gone,
Now before me, I see a brilliant young man.
I pray that you remember all that I taught you....
- Everything right -
Act smart, be kind, stay gentle,
- Don't fight -
This is not an end but a beginning of your early adult plight.
The world won't be easy, as i am sure you already know,
I will be here for you,
Just take it slow.
Make me more proud, don't settle, do your best -
I can no longer hold your hand though - up to you is the rest.
Faith I shall keep, with a watchful eye,
Like in the beginning, I stated, ..."even after I die..."
I love you son - more than these words can say or actions can show,
Now, off....off....off you go!

Who Am I

Here I am. Just me. Do you see me waiting? Wondering? Pondering if I am making a mistake? 

I don't think I am. I am finally grabbing that infamous 'bull by the horns' and going after something that I want.

Is that so wrong? Hell, Who are you to say? 

I know who I was. It is the same person that I am now, just with some added insight. I know who I am.

                                                        Simply me.

Nothing more and nothing less. What else were you expecting? 

I am smart and funny and yes, extremely caring. Sometimes, maybe, too caring.

Sensitivity seems to be a drawback at times, but without it, I am nothing.

Just an average little daddy's girl still looking for her faery tale....beginning. I don't want the ending yet!!

Nah! Nothing about me is average. I take it back!! But there are those that would say they know me....

                                                          Do they really?

After years of so called friendship, these individuals know nothing of me and my being!

                                                           I know them.

Give me a day and I will know them, down to their worst fears and thoughts. Perception is a beast. One that I do not possess but share my world with. This so called beast is a gift, a friend.

                                                            Without it, I would not survive.

I see the world around me, spinning into chaotic malevolence. I see this and yet I feel hope. 

There can be no peace without hope, no life without death, and last but least....

                                                              There is no love

                                                                     Without

                                                                     Patience.

Here I am. Just me.....

Befriended

Thinking too hard sometimes is not the best,
            My brain is on melt down,
                         It needs to rest.
Give me piece of mind,
             Put the thoughts at ease,
                         Do I read too much into it?
                          Tell me please.
Maybe I just assume too much,
              Doesn't matter,
                           I still long for your touch.
Just a fragment, a graze, a warming embrace,
               I won't be greedy,
                            Name the time and place.
Do you get it, comprehend, and understand,
               I see who you are,
                             And am willing with you to walk hand in hand....
Along the beaches, or parkway, or just the mountains of life,
                              To be your friend and confidant,
                                          Someone to help remove the burdens of your strife.
Patience you said, for you I shall obey,
                               I just ask for communication then, talk to me,
                                           This, for now, is all I have to say.....

I do not understand why you threw me away,

I did everything for you, day after day.

I listened,

I cared,

I gave you my heart,

I will not relive this again if I am smart.

The resentment,

The pain,

My damaged pride,

Just thinking of you makes me run and hide.

Why would I let you win,

The exact same way that you did back then?

'No way',

'Uh um',

'No sir 're Bob',

I will build myself back up, no matter how hard the job.

I want to feel, I want to love, and have it in return,

You had your chance but just crashed and burned.

Step aside, 

Move along,

Let someone else try,

Maybe when they say, "I love you", it won't be a lie.

I will be proud not to be another's disgrace, for he lives to hold me with-in his embrace.

No longer neglected

yet much respected,

something I would have never expected.

I (we) are happy now building/learning from the 'block's' of the past,

That is what will make our mended hearts last,

Keeping the rythem

Holding a beat,

Waiting til the next time we meet.



No More

Touched by love yet feeling your hate

your next emotion, I cannot wait.

One minute you are up, the next you are down,

I feel as if I am on a merry-go-round.

Who lives like that, and I would like to know why...

that there are those out there that live to wake up and die.

Not me, hell no, I want to live, and I am tired of all of the shit that you give.

I am a free bird, a peacock I'd say,

I refuse to live like this one more damn day!

The gift you have left, I will gladly keep, 

I can assure this though, no one shall hear me weep.

Too long I have been your prisoner of war,

Do not worry, I too big of a person to try to even the score.

You will get yours, they say 'karma's a bitch',

but you just don't seem to care because torture is your niche.

Adios! 

Random Thoughts

 * Writing takes expression of words, 

Reading entails the knowledge,

Understanding requires heart.*

The Moment

I am not sure will this will lead -

Something beautiful and bliss or experience rendered,

I will welcome both with open arms, willingly.

No more lies or silences.

To know you and feel you -

For you to feel me.

For so long, my heart has held a chill - not out of want.

Now I have the sensation of warmness coursing through my veins,

A longing that I had forgotten.

That too brief of a moment (for me) of sharing your thoughts - 

Hearing each word as you spoke - 

I melted.

A moment that seemed to be there and pass as fast as the tides - 

I will cherish it. I will cherish you.

Randomness

Contrary to popular belief, 

I am not weak-

Just not as experienced as you.

DELUSION

                                 Tearing at the cobwebs from the tire spaces that bear my sight, I sit up and take in the world around me....

                                 Being able to envision the beautiful, not the dark and forlorn.

                                 I cannot believe I have been sealed with-in my own 'self preservation',

My tomb,

 My fear, 

My past.

                                      I am beautiful, but not without flaws~
                                      I am honest, but not without exaggeration~
                                      I am sensitive, but not without the knowing to be cruel.
                                   
                                      I have found the balance between both sides, always knowing it was there,
                                      Choosing not to see,
                                                                     Delusional~
                                                                                       Maybe~
                                                                                                    Yes, I was.
                                      I am awake - I see it all clearly.